Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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