The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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