I swear god or herbie drove my car home
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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