When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
