You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
