omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
