His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Someone came in the potted fern
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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