oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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