I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize