i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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