I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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