Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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