please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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