Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
