I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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