dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
