woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
