I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
