hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
