At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize