Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
