My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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