we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
