Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
