On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
