I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
