That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
