there's paper in my vomit.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i drank out of a bidet.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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