i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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