I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
