I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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