well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
