her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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