Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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