one word: firstdatebathroomanal
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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