Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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