around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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