I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
