Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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