There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
