Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
