I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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