We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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