guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
