she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
