I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
