just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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