i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
