I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize