Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
