I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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