you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
