Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize