She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
