You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
