my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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