TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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