My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
