My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just want to make out with him forever
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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