I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
