I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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