I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
